I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
