He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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