The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
