My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
