I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
