I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I need a beard to bite.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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