If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It was confusing and full of hummus
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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