A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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