I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
