Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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