He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
