I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
