I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
