It's like God shit irony all over that family
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
the day after is always just damage control
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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