I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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