i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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