I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
