I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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