My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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