thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
