I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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