hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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