Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
