first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
