so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
