I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
