glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I have aggressive nipples.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
