i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
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