I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
