You're my little dorito
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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