Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
