Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
