did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
