see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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