At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
