I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
