i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
