What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
