she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
