connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
