I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
