In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
