She's JV to your varsity
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
