Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
