If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i drank out of a bidet.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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