He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
