I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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