The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
