If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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