I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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