I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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