I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
