ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
