ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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