I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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