how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
