At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
