On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
