Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
